[✿◕ ‿ ◕✿] Born to shine

text post Sat, Mar. 17, 2012

‘I am gonna get married. Will you come on that day?’, with the soft voice as the wind, I can feel the feeling of regret and pain which are in my heart.

In the past, we used to dream about the full house. The dream started with the white wedding dress I would wear, and you will be a groom standing by me. And then, we would receive the blessings from everybody. But, I woke up and unluckily we were apart.

”In you wedding, I would throw a big brick to the wedding at the time you gave a ring to your bride”, this idea was inspired from a music video I had seen. But, if the brick thrown hurts anyone, I will regret absolutely. Or if it hurts you - my ex, my heart will be broken. Or if the brick falls at your girl smiling inside the white veil by chance, will I feel better? That girl is like me somehow, she loves you by her soul, but she is the one who can be your partner for all your life, and I cannot.

Or will I make up very beautifully, dress like a princess and have a big smile to bless you? But I will be calm as a friend, as the one who haven’t had any sweet memories with you, as the one who haven’t cried silently because of you in many sleepless nights. Unfortunately, the emotions always betray me. I am afraid of catching your attention when you look at your bride, and I am afraid of catching the happy smile of you two, and I will cry somehow.

I am not the one who can hide my real feelings. While others are laughing and enjoying the party, I will cry somewhere, and smudgy mascara as a panda, and you may be displeased. Everyone always wants to see the smile of the bride, not the tears of the ex-girlfriend of the groom.

In your wedding, I will come with the guy loving me to have someone by my side at that time. For our mutual friends (or at this time, I have to say ‘the friends of you and I, right?), they will not look at me with the sympathizing and concerning eyes. But, I cannot let the selfishness and aggressiveness of myself hurt the one loving me the most, the one who is always by my side, and gives me the tissue when I cry because of you.

In you wedding, I will drink a lot because I cannot ignore the excessive attention of the ones who know about our relationship, and because I can see the happy smile of the bride and the bright eyes of the groom. But when you left, I promised to be strong, always. I learnt how to love and appreciate myself before asking the attention and love from others. You used to say that you always wanted to see me as the very first days we had met- elegant and strong, peaceful and deep.

Actually, I am just a timid girl who hardly confront with the truth. When the pain in my heart hasn’t become a scar, I have to choose the safe solution which is ‘no see, no know’

In your wedding, I will not make up beautifully, not drink, not fight and not be silent because I will be home and very busy with many not-worthy busy stuffs to have a day passed. Nonetheless, I used to dream to be a bride walking by you in a sunny day as today…..

(Source: anhisunrise)